Monday, January 7, 2013

Emotional blackmail

Manipulation by definition involves covert attempt to control others, that misrepresentation and using words in ways that are difficult to distinguish at a glance from the simplicity. So often there is confusion about what is manipulation and what not, and often can be used manipulators accusations that others are trying to manipulate them. 

Among other things, people often find themselves confused about requirements relations. When a request or even an ultimatum correct and "legitimate", and when it comes to emotional blackmail?It's not always easy to recognize, and it's easy to call the application superficial blackmail (or vice versa). Therefore, we present here a set of guidelines for distinguishing emotional blackmail from "standard" applications.

Characteristics of emotional blackmail:

threat of disproportionate punishment for not so important behaviors and decisions (not always, but often)

another person is punishable by causing unpleasant emotions, mostly guilt or rejection ("because you do not love me!" One possible answer: "I love you, but I love the way you ask this!")

causing unpleasant emotions manipulator tries to avoid responsibility for their feelings, as well as the responsibility for clear communication and negotiation. Sometimes blackmail to mask laziness or selfishness.

failure to comply with paragraph borders, and making sense of them ("If you will not sleep with me right now, it does not make sense to try to be together")

by rejection of another person's personality, rather than criticism of individual behavior ("you're selfish" instead of "I do not like it do not take care of ...")

subtract the second person of the right to choice, placing his point of view as the only possibilities.Bit emotional blackmail in an effort to prevent another person or hinders free to choose which is in line with her feelings and integrity, if the person who is blackmailing it was embarrassing.

Characteristics and application of correct ultimatum:

express their demands, needs and feelings without blaming

focuses on behavior, not on the personality of contempt

clearly express that you are looking for something because it is important to you, not because it would be an absolute truth

you signal to another person which (real and appropriate) the consequences of her choices and stick to your decision

You open negotiations

you are ready to accept another person's choice and its consequences for yourself and your relationship, and act in accordance with their integrity (including termination of employment if other options are exhausted)

Of course, it is often difficult to define what the appropriate consequences for that behavior, especially if the criteria for acceptable or unacceptable behavior are unclear. Therefore, it is important to be clear with yourself about your priorities and feelings. Also, due to the inadequacy or punishment is not the only criterion by which you will recognize emotional blackmail.

People who were raised with a lot of imposing guilt can be hard to listen to their feelings and needs and identify unhealthy unhealthy guilt, because this is "normal" childhood. However, there is always an inner voice that warns us that it is unhealthy, often in the form of anger or resistance. 

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